hello, darling

true facts this is the best show ever. (HOME DEPOT HOME DEPOT!)

2008-11-10T17:01:59Z

^

WIN. vegan potluck notwithstanding, i need this show in my LIFE!

also, did any one see my costume on stage? we were told to be ourselves. i still don't think i'm gay (unidentified sex object ftw :P ) but my mom was probably sitting in the audience like, wow, you're so gay.

HOLY SHIT YES! YES YES YES!

2008-11-05T22:41:50Z

OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD.
this post was impossibly delayed as i was watching it all go down at a bar by school with friends, and celebrating all night with said friends. but.
OH MY GOD.
NO WORDS!
hell YES!

oh man oh man

2008-11-04T16:30:56Z

oh man, i almost wish i was american just so i could vote. all the roomates sent in their absentee ballots thank god. i'm sitting here being late for class reading danah boyd's choices and nodding vehementy in their favour.

State Propositions:

Prop 1A, Safe Trains: YES!

Prop 2, Confining Animals: yes

Prop 3, Children's Hospitals: no (yes if you're in favor of bond measures)

Prop 4, Waiting Period: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!

Prop 5, Nonviolent Drug Offenses: still not sure...

Prop 6, Police and Law Enforcement: no

Prop 7, Renewable Energy: no

Prop 8, Definition of Marriage: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!

Prop 9, Criminal Justice System: no

Prop 10, Alternative Fuel Vehicles: no

Prop 11, Redistricting: torn...

Prop 12, Veteran's Bond Act: YES

i have to go... more later.

life recap

2008-11-03T15:08:02Z

1. i was whitney houston on crack for halloween (youtube her + diane sawyer)
2. i think i have laryngitis ... probably karma :/
3. i owe my aunt a thousand dollars for my first year's tuition. i haven't paid this years because
4. student loans are refusing to come in. i am so screwed. so so screwed.
5. i freaking hate dan and living with dan
6. because of this, i'm never ever home anymore and have been living in coffee shops and the library. it's expensive.
7. i have reached a level of self-awareness that makes it hard to be as low as i was last year. no matter how shitty i feel. it's good and bad, especially because i cannot bring myself to kill myself. again, that's good and bad.
8. i have gained a shit ton of weight. it's bad. it's just all bad.
sup with you?

what i was waiting for!!!

2008-10-30T03:54:30Z

i might have written about the show i was playing on saturday the 18th before, if only in terms of the graphic design i was doing for it. (Haiti Parle: Le Retour) it was about haiti, a music/theatre thing in the context of montreal's annual "mois du créole: (Creole Month)
i didn't want to write about it until i had a video to share, and then i heard there wouldn't be any vids and so i abandonned the idea of sharing this at all.

amazingly, today i came home to about 42 new emails in my inbox, and what happened was that some good samaritan from the audience had recorded the part where i was singing and uploaded it on facebook! so many nice comments, it made my day more than anything could ever have!
and so without further ado, here's the thing i've been meaning to share, the song i wrote (in creole) for haiti, and sang for haiti parle.
It's entitled Zamni... I wrote it when I hadn't seen my country in a damn good while. Maybe I'll translate it next post.

Sarah Bernard - Zamni (Live)

now if you'll excuse me, i have to go cry. people are actually clapping! wtf! for me! (too late already sobbing. again!) after the show was amazing. people just hugged me and hugged me and hugged me... dude! too many compliments for one person i tell you! it made me so emotional, i was crying and getting mascara all over my face, and thanking people over and over again...
christ. i loved it. i friggin. loved the audience. and the after-show. chriiiist. people can be great.

aix @ 2008-10-25T18:08:00

2008-10-25T22:08:44Z

how many of us out there are really only living for the sake of those whom they might be survived by?

one liner.

2008-09-24T10:08:51Z

i think i'm okay again. i guess i'll be "rollercoastering" from time to time. yes, i'm eating.

how not to fake self-confidence

2008-09-23T15:21:07Z

you've gained it all back, what do you do now? save your money and avoid the pharmaprix. diuretics are fucking disgusting. run around the parc dressed as though it were summer. you don't deserve the leniency. if your stomach hurts take tylenol. if it's still bad, drink tea. busy yourself and work through it with coffee. drink it black or consider the generosity of aspartame. try not to overdo it, it's only til your pants fit. dance through the saturdays. don't hold back until you recognize yourself. there will always be tea and negative calories. if you give in once, you will want everything, so keep that in mind. when it hits, seek celery. the quest itself is a worthy distraction. take out the trash and clean your room. cut through the piles of homework and research, rent out all suggested readings and survey all biographies. annotate your bibligraphies. idle minutes are for sleep.

jarring formalities: 01/21/08 1:00AM; 01/22/08

2008-08-08T14:39:38Z

i will be going back to school in the fall,
i have a meeting with an adviser today to settle my schedule and explain the roller coaster in my grade transcript.
it was rather disturbing to be photocopying my suicide attempt report from the paramedics.

question

2008-08-07T01:25:42Z

answer me this-
how does one person go through this much
and expect to keep going?

i guess i wouldn't be out of baileys, if i knew.

and maybe- possibly- i wouldn't be working myself to death. (it's been 13 hours. still working. nowhere near stopping.)

and yet, my rent check bounced. you'd think someone who works this hard would go pick up their paychecks, wouldn't you?

as much as it hurts the wallet

2008-08-01T06:22:04Z

I JUST PAID OFF MY TUITION(!!!)
at least there's one advantage to working yourself crazy, eh?
XD best sleepless night ever

aix @ 2008-07-26T14:08:00

2008-07-26T18:06:26Z

this is ugly but safe.
he has been calling again,
my plans for recovery could not have had worse timing.
i'm terrified of what's being called getting better

~~all i see is excess~~

concerning the recovery, it has been a week of baking for friends and
i've participated wholly in the eating, though not without second thoughts.
for the past seven days i've only purged and excercised once.

i hate him, his voice and the fact that i can't change my phone number just yet.
i'm afraid to see what destructive coping mechanism i'll pick up next; or again.

Voice Post

2008-07-14T18:14:23Z

happy fucken father's day.

2008-06-15T16:44:27Z

omg post-secret. way to stalk me and compress my life in a post-card. but if i may correct you, it's "almost a year", not more. it'll be a year on the dot in ten days. way to die right after father's day, ~~dad.~~
way to completely fuck-up my childhood and then just up and die.
seriously, kudos.
i can't believe it's been a year. i can't believe how many fucked up things have happened since.
also, pascal sent me a facebook friend request today... haha it just keeps getting better and better.
i have to go clean, shower, and possibly purge the quarter of an ensure can i've had.
in other news, there appears to be a snake on my neighbor's porch. huh.

i had a different post planned

2008-06-14T15:12:52Z

but seriously, what the FUCK is going on with CI? i feel like there was a massive move-out on the part of all the wonderful (reasonable!) people i met there, followed by the settling in of the prepubescent sad-face crowd. i wanted to be able to still read even though i'd left, but goddddd. it hurts my eyes. X_X

getting ready for work!

2008-05-26T10:28:49Z

iz my first day at the new job today. ohh man i'm so nervousss.

let me forget

2008-05-25T19:07:25Z

oh come the fuck on.
pascal's cousin just called me out of the blue, trying to "keep in touch" or whatever.
i don't even fucking know. i don't know, they should all leave me alone, disappear, let me forget.
fuck. i'm fine. i'm fine, i'm fine. i was doing just fine, am i right? fuck, fuck, i'm perfectly fine and okay.

on a happier note, it's mother's day in haiti and france. i called my moms. yay.

hay thar!

2008-05-23T23:56:41Z

this is what i wore to my job interview today.

and you know what?

I GOT THE JOB!!!

front desk administrative assistant. that's right love, sarah b's an office bitch. and just in time, too. i had no idea where rent was going to come from. god i'm so fucking relieved.

aix @ 2008-04-28T16:26:00

2008-04-28T20:29:29Z

i may... or may not have been awake since my last post. i just finished this huge research paper... but i didn't get a chance to finish my take-home exam. i might just stay up all night again and finish it, and slide it under the prof's door at 6 am or whevever they open the religious studies building. i'm exhausted though... i've been stress-dry-heaving, it's the most annoying thing since non-sliced bread after the invention of sliced-bread. i think it's some form of slow hiccup. or a confused burp. i don't know. i need sleep. tomorrow. tomorrow i'll sleep.

aix @ 2008-04-25T01:08:00

2008-04-25T05:08:50Z

i should really stop posting altogether. it's ironic that i'm writing a post saying that i should stop posting instead of just stopping, but i want to be upfront about this, i guess. i feel like i'm just too many upsetting news/entries coming from the same repetive, annoying, whiney user on your friendslist. and i'm trying so hard not to be ~~but god help me this is really my only outlet~~, and i think the only way not to be is to just stop completely, because bad things just keep happening, and the preventable ones just hit me that much harder, and all i can do is run here and type. it's unfair to you. it's unfair to everyone. i don't even know if this is good bye, but its paving the way for it i suppose.~~i don't know what i'm doing. i've been crying for hours.~~
i don't know.

if it hurts, then let it, i love you enough.

2008-04-12T22:48:09Z

you could say it's been settled with absolutely no effort towards reaching an agreement. i've learned that i'm a master of resignation, that i only speak when spoken to and that i never heed warning signs or good intentions. if this is going to hurt me, then let it. my conscience is clear, my intentions are pure and i'm forgiving enough that no one ever knows whether i bled when they have pricked me.

montreal nuit blanche 2008

2008-03-02T17:51:49Z

i fucking hate nuit blanche. had i known it was going to be all about walking around in the cold for all these hours i might have called it a night after the first bust. i hate it when dan yells at me which he did at whoever complained about the cold. i mean i tried to stay happygofreakinglucky the whole way through but i have juvenile rheumatoid arthritis. it's not fun. if i stay in the cold/humidity too long soon enough it feels like my knee caps are trying to give birth to my tibias.
we all went for poutine at some point and dan and the others sat on the other side from kate, jakub and me. when we all finish eating, we get up to look for them and lo and behold, they had ditched us! i call him and he's like haha yeah, i'm in the old port (we'd just taken a bus to st-laurent cause HE wanted poutine) at that point i can't take it anymore and i head home, hoping to catch a bus on sherbrooke. luckily kate walks me to sherbrooke st. in time for a bus, she finds the situation pretty shitty and hopes that i'm a) ok b) not going to just repress this and express how pissed off i am when i get home.
turns out the bus is downtown-only and is not doing the 24 route. so i walk from concordia to ndg kthx. i get hope and rush past everyone, shut myself in my room and actually cry. i don't know if it's the jack daniels crying or my knees killing me or the fact that dan of all people ditched me like that. all i know is that when my JRA started up as a kid, it woke me up screaming, it hurt so bad. worse, even from 18 and onwards it'd still make me scream. the 3 days they'd turned the heat off in the downtown apartment, i couldn't even walk. i just stayed in my room crying for 3 days because my legs were absolutely useless and all i could feel was pain.
so this morning one leg is pretty much useless save for the pain of course. i'm kind of limping around the house half wondering if dan is mad at me for storming in last night half mad at him for ditching and another half just not even able to care because it hurts so fucking bad. oh man i wish i had called it a night around midnight.
i hate nuit blanche, fuck. i wish he'd never dragged me into going. although he didn't exactly drag me, he told me about it and i was like oh fuck, are we going? and because he's never missed one, here i am.
fuckkkkk.

aix @ 2008-02-11T19:32:00

2008-02-12T00:33:57Z

i have the best news
my lease just got transferred (yay craigslist!)
i'm officially moving in with dan!
sweet!!

the bathtub as a recipient, martini glass as implement

2008-02-07T15:11:03Z

til my heart heart heart clogs the drain drain drain

aix @ 2008-02-07T01:16:00

2008-02-07T06:16:34Z

take out the stitches! i need to take them out now. i need to cut them open or bite through them or just get them off get it off me! they're burning and i think they know what i want. people need to stop calling me with the latest news about pascal. i don't want to hear it, especially if you know what happened, and i certainly don't want to listen to how you didn't believe me "but only at first". it all makes me want to vomit and undo the stitches and restick this glass where it belongs. no ambulances this time. no ambulances.