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Aixerona
aix
26 July 2008 @ 02:08 pm
 
this is ugly but safe.
he has been calling again,
my plans for recovery could not have had worse timing.
i'm terrified of what's being called getting better



all i see is excess


concerning the recovery, it has been a week of baking for friends and
i've participated wholly in the eating, though not without second thoughts.
for the past seven days i've only purged and excercised once.

i hate him, his voice and the fact that i can't change my phone number just yet.
i'm afraid to see what destructive coping mechanism i'll pick up next; or again.
 
12 comments | Leave a comment
 
( 12 comments — Post a new comment )
There is no Marina, only Zool[info]bee_york on July 26th, 2008 09:12 pm (UTC)
:(
I wish I had some real advice! Dyaaaaam. :( Hugs-a-plenty for now.

Would you like to get together for lunch when I get back from Japan? Since we work so near each other and all. :)
Aixerona[info]aix on July 30th, 2008 08:00 pm (UTC)
*hugsss* i would love to get together for lunch. when are you coming back? <3 have an amazing trip btw!!!
There is no Marina, only Zool[info]bee_york on August 1st, 2008 03:43 pm (UTC)
I come back on August 27th.
And thanks! :)
rockbot[info]041806 on July 26th, 2008 10:31 pm (UTC)
I don't have anything to say, but I wanted to let you know I'm listening.

I know what it's like to be afraid of recovery. Every time I take a step closer, I sabotage myself because I'm afraid of being okay because I don't know what it's like to be okay. I can offer no advice; all I can do is understand.

I'm sorry he's calling again. It's beyond harassment. It's not okay for him to be doing this to you. :(
There is no Marina, only Zool[info]bee_york on July 27th, 2008 07:55 pm (UTC)
know what it's like to be afraid of recovery. Every time I take a step closer, I sabotage myself because I'm afraid of being okay because I don't know what it's like to be okay.

Oh my goodness. That is so insightful and well-written. Would you mind if I quoted that? I could quote it anonymously, of course.
rockbot[info]041806 on July 28th, 2008 12:52 am (UTC)
:D Why thank you. Go ahead!
Aixerona[info]aix on July 30th, 2008 08:04 pm (UTC)
marina's right, you got it spot on. i completely sabotage myself from getting closer to being okay too as well. the day after i decided to stop this nonsense, what did i do? well i bought a scale of course. i don't know sweetie. what are we going to do with ourselves...
Hannah[info]kaleidopunk on July 26th, 2008 10:59 pm (UTC)
*hug* don't let that asshole make you feel like shit.
you are beautiful. i know you don't believe me but i'm going to throw that out there anyway! :)

xx
Aixerona[info]aix on July 30th, 2008 08:02 pm (UTC)
i love you i love you i love you. i'm trying to believe you step by step right now. just so you know. i do trust you, it's just me i don't like.
ps MAJOR kudos on your icon reminding me of "Y SO SRS" lol
again i love you!
Squishie[info]dcksgomoo on July 27th, 2008 03:38 am (UTC)
i think you look amazing
your doing good, please keep trying
Aixerona[info]aix on July 30th, 2008 08:50 pm (UTC)
*clings*
i've been trying, it's just... well, you know how it is.
*hugs you*
insomanycolors[info]insomanycolors on July 27th, 2008 05:16 am (UTC)
:(
I don't want to see you ruin yourself. You're so much better than all that. You really are an amazing person. And I'll keep saying it as often as I have to, as long as I have to- until you believe me. Even if you won't admit it.
I love you.
Take care of yourself. Please.